There's something about rain that is an equalizer, like the night. Trudging through rainwater in one city is pretty close to trudging through rainwater in any other city. W LOVE a good unreliable narrator // I'm starting to feel a bit unreliable myself. I was so scared of not being able to keep up a practice that I over committed myself in the name of accountability. I feel that fluttery feeling in my stomach. I think I am nervous. I'm toeing the threshold, where I truly am my own person. T desperately want to be able to write and converse with my friends and learn more and participate and do my silly little experiments. I'm not as swamped as I initially imagined I would be. Irt created from suffering is not better, but I suppose I am glad to have this place to hold my most painful self. It rained today. As in looked like enough rain to warrant an umbrella, yet when I opened mine the drops made no sound. It felt a bit silly to carry an umbrella for raindrops that leave no mark. If I spend a year like this, imagine where I'll be next year. Called mom today to ask about the meatball recipe. Every time I cook I want to make something new but I don't have time. I'm choosing to say no to these two applications. Am I too burnt out or am I just intimidated? I feel the kettle to see if it's warm and know whether my roommate made tea this morning. A straight back is the sign of alignment. Where does the energy flow within me? Why do I always feel like I'm forgetting to breathe? I think this time I get to be brutally honest w/ my therapist. I forgot to buy toothpaste again. Also need to remember to grab an onion, some garlic, and a tomato. I should stay strong and not cave for the soft sugar cookies. The visi-sonor is one of the first items described in sci-fi that make me go… this feels good. Days are so short on a calendar but the days themselves are full! Wn this discomfort I realize that I have a sense of home, small as it is. When the grayness-but-really-white-lack-of-shadows gets to me I wish to be in my room, where the warm glow of half a dozen bulbs and my craft table feel like a hug <3 It feels weird not to be surrounded by people anymore. I will definitely miss that. Ihe most powerful thing I can do is cultivate a good gut. Grief always catches up to me in this last week of the year, for the versions of myself that I feel I did not stay true to and for the love I've let dwindle. And yet there is still so much joy. I should buy some flowers. Iavesdropped on the conversation in the kitchen.